what might have been

my terminally ill aunt passed away today. i think. my mum was crying when she called me and it was all a bit muffled. i feel nothing. i should be feeling something. all i can think of was damn, i'm gonna miss her cooking. especially her sambal, curry, rendang. shit fuck i shouldn't be thinking about food, she just died!! i dunno if i'm supposed to go through the 5 stages of grief. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. i'm definitely at denial. prolly am the kind to just skip to the acceptance part. here's hoping.

dear aunt, you'll be in my prayers. i love you. and your sambal-chilli paste. dear God, guide her on her journey, save her soul. amen.

the first day of

the rest of my life?

today's officially the last day of term this year. for me, it is the last day of my degree, well, technically, I ended classes yesterday but uni ended officially today. i feel... that three years had gone by really fast. but really, i am pretty sad that i feel almost nothing. maybe it's because i didn't really feel as if i was part of something. being in the science faculty, we had so many different departments and so many different subjects. there weren't any core subjects so there really was never a sense of being in a 'class' with my fellow course mates.

also because, exams and assignments are looming. although i almost already have a place at the research facility of my choice for honours, it will all be for nothing if i screw up my finals. dear God, guide me through this. You have been with me all these years, stay with me in my time of need, guide me and lead me past this.

the first phase of my research diet ended today. eating unhealthily for the past 2 weeks really did mess up my insulin tolerance level. it's a bit the scary, the change. i hope i can get my tolerance level back up to at least my original level and really rev it up when i do the 'healthy' part of the diet.

anyhoo, intense studying for the next month. i will get what i want.

the wind and waves

today i start a 4 week diet that is part of an ongoing research by baker idi on the effects of differently cooked food and its effect on diabetes risk. which basically means, i get free food for 4 weeks but i can only eat the food they provided, and since these are 'real' meals, as opposed to my usual muesli and milk, i actually have to spend time cooking and washing up. but i am very excited about this. apparently the study already have some pretty good results. not sure how easy it is to stick to the plan, i am pretty much a constant nibbler and i'll be missing out on group dinners or what nots in the coming weeks, which is sort of a bummer but a good thing 'coz i'll be saving $$. and i would be paid $300 at the end of the study, so there's that to look forward to.

speaking of $$. i broke the touchscreen of my samsung phone yesterday, in a moment of extreme frustration, violence, and most of all, stupidity >.< and it costs $135 to fix. there goes half of my not-even-here-yet-research-money. haih. should not have been so violent. but i f***ing HATE that phone. anyhoo, serves me right huh?

it's a change

it's funny how i always notice the people i am not particularly on the lookout for but am pleased to see. it's like these little bundles of surprises god gives you. to encourage you and tell you, even if you are feeling lost and frustrated, there are little things in life, that in the big picture, might not mean much, yet in the short run, makes every day more bearable. thank you, god. i missed you.

things we wanted

celebrated the mid-autumn festival yesterday with esther, jiin ying, yun xin, jeremy, edmond, serene and her brother at ivan and tommy's apartment. was never really good with dinner parties, in this case, it was potluck. i never really mastered the skill of polite conversation and small talk around food. i either want my food too much or am so paralysed by being caught in a social situation that i freeze. you think i'm exaggerating and maybe i am. no, not really.

as such, did not eat much. the stuff we brought over were sort of, in esther's words, epic fails. the japanese curry was too watery, the noodles too garlicky and the honeydew sago had humongous lumps of sago in them >.< it was funny yet so painfully embarrassing. tried a tiny piece of century egg that edmond sort of pinched off for me. all of them couldn't believe that i had never eaten those disgusting looking things before.

the mooncakes. sigh, i want my tai thong mooncakes, really. the snowskin was frozen and tiny.... i couldn't taste anything out of them. the normal ones were just that, normal. and they're all so darn expensive as well.

and something bad happened. that said, something slightly good happened as well. at least there was some of both. though not enough to stop me from thinking that .....

...... i shoulda just stayed at home and studied for my exam on monday >.<